


my hate for spiders is stronger than my hate for you

by hqdorks



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: (feat. the vibrating owl), Alternate Universe - Neighbors, Kuroo Tetsurou is a Dork, M/M, Oikawa Tooru is a Nerd, Spiders, Trans Akaashi Keiji, dadchi, did i mention gay?, fuckbuddys to lovers, guess who's gay?, im sorry, kenma doesn't deserve this, kenma is unknowingly thirsty for kuroo, kenma's an author, kuroo is obviously thirsty for kenma, kuroo's a stripper, neighbors with benifits, shhh dont tell anyone tho, squad shenanigans, thats a trick question because all of them are, the ick face, they go to an amusement park, vollyball the cat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-16
Updated: 2016-07-22
Packaged: 2018-05-14 05:21:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 12,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5730940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hqdorks/pseuds/hqdorks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kenma just wanted to take a shower. </p><p>Or: 'there's a spider in my bathtub and I'm to scared to go near it so can I use your shower?'</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. thousands of them

**Author's Note:**

> I thought of this when I found a spider in my bathtub and literally lost my shit.

Kenma was a reserved person. He didn't often express any extreme outward emotions. But when he stepped into the shower and a giant fucking spider scurried over his foot he absolutely _screamed_. Kenma's morning was not going well. 

Unable to use his own shower, he made the only other possible decision that ended in him taking a nice, hot shower. Kenma gathered his towel and favorite shampoo and stepped out into the hall. He stopped in front of his neighbors door. As much as he hated the guy, it was the safest option. His other neighbor was a sketchy old guy who he had never talked to before. But this guy was much closer to his own age, and aside from his loud friends, incredibly loud, loud friends, he never personally gave Kenma a reason to not like him. Okay, so, he still didn't like him. But it was his best and safest option.

Kenma reached out and knocked on the door timidly. When there was no response he sighed and knocked again. Louder this time. After knocking a third time he was just about to give up and go back to bed. Completely giving up on the day. When he heard a rough voice call out, "One sec, let me put some pants on." In a moment he heard the locks scrape and the door swung open. 

He was leaning against the door frame. Wearing pants as promised, but that was it. His sweatpants hung dangerously low on his hips. Every other time Kenma saw him he was fully clothed in baggy gym shorts and a ragged hoodie. So Kenma never got the chance to see just how _fit_ he was. _So the gym shorts aren't just a fashion statement,_ Kenma thought. He looked up at the man's face. He was staring down at him, a shit eating grin stretched out on his face. Waiting. 

Kenma cleared his throat quietly, "Morning, Kuroo."

"To what do I owe the honor?" he grinned wider. Kenma was worried his face would split in half. 

"I, um, was wondering if I could use your shower?" Kenma replied, eyes dropping to the floor. He regretted just about everything right now. Waking up. Moving in. Being born. Nothing was more mortifying than the way Kuroo Tetsurou looked at him. Like a cat getting ready to pounce on it's prey. Except instead of watching a lion in a nature documentary sizing up a gazelle from the safety of his couch, he was the gazelle. A very stupid gazelle walking right into the lions den. It's a wonder Darwin hasn't come to personally kill Kenma himself. 

"Be my guest," Kuroo stepped to the side letting Kenma walk past into his apartment. 

His apartment wasn't as messy as he thought it would be. Judging by his hair, Kuroo Tetsurou is incapable of doing the most simple of tasks. But unlike his hair, the place was tidy. Probably more so than his own. 

"So is your shower broken or something?" Kuroo asked.

Kenma stopped assessing the lion's den to mumble an answer, "Or something."

"I can help you fix if if you need. Or talk to the manager for you. I know you're not the most social of butterflies." Kuroo smirked. He was looking at Kenma again, sly eyes steady on him. 

"No, it's fine. I just-" _I can just get Shoyou to kill that fucking demon spider._

Kuroo made a lazy gesture in the direction of the bathroom, "I'm holding you up. Go ahead." The layout of Kuroo's apartment was identical to Kenma's, he didn't really need directions. 

Kenma was surprised by the amount of brushes and hair products laying around in the bathroom. _Well at least he tries._

***

After his shower, Kenma intended to quietly slip out. But of course that couldn't happen. Kuroo was sunk into the couch scrolling through something on his phone when Kenma came out of the bathroom. "What does 'or something' mean, exactly? If you don't mind me asking."

 _Yes, I do._ "My hate for spiders is stronger than my hate for you," Kenma deadpanned. 

Kuroo placed a hand on his, still bare, chest dramatically, "I don't know whether to be glad or insulted." Kuroo stood up shoving his phone into the pocket of his sweatpants sagging them even lower. "Well, if you need a spider killed then you came to the right man."

"I don't need you to kill the spider-"

"Fear not! For I will save thee from the wretched beast!" Kuroo declared grandiosely. 

"No."

"Come on. Everyone knows knights are hot. Let me slay a dragon for you, princess." he whined.

Kenma grimaced, "If it'll make you shut up." 

***

Kuroo stood in his bathroom, still shirtless. "So where's the spider?" he asked.

Kenma looked around, "Well it was in the tub when I left."

Kuroo looked up at the ceiling, "Maybe it-" he was cut off by the demon spawn launching it self off of the ceiling directly onto Kuroo's face. Kuroo screamed and flailed about before he finally smacked himself in the face to try and kill the spider. He was unsuccessful. The spider was gone. But not dead. "I don't want you to freak out, but the spider is still at large."

"What?" Kenma hissed.

"I don't know where it is."

"What do you mean you don't know where it is? It was just on your face!"

Kuroo grabbed Kenma by the wrist and bolted for the door of the apartment. "Jesus fucking Christ! You never said it was that big!"

"It wasn't that big," Kenma panted. How could he be out of breath from such a short run?

Kuroo waved his hands around, "Did you _see_ that thing, Kenma? It was huge!"

"No, I mean the one I saw in my tub wasn't _that big_ ," Kenma rose his voice in panic.

Kuroo started to bite at his lip nervously, "So what you're saying is there are multiple spiders loose in your apartment right now?"

Kenma nodded.

Kuroo made a choking noise. Kenma looked up to see Kuroo had his hand of the door knob, ready to go back in. "I promised I would kill a spider, didn't I?" He took a deep breath and opened the door, stepped in, and closed the door behind him. It only took about thirty seconds for him to come back out, white as a sheet.

Kenma looked at him expectantly, "Well?"

"There are thousands of baby spiders in there, Kenma. _Thousands of them._ "

Kenma opened the door and peered inside cautiously.

He screamed.


	2. calling in the squad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> back by "eh" demand

Kenma woke up to a loud... something. He sat up in Kuroo's guest bed and listened for the noise to happen again. _Was that hooting?_ Kenma thought he heard what sounded like a disturbingly accurate owl noise and some muffled shouting. He got up and slipped a big sweater over the pajamas he's been wearing since yesterday. Kuroo had managed to brave Kenma's apartment once more to grab some of his stuff, but he didn't get much before freaking out. Kenma padded quietly to the door and cracked it open to get a look at what was going on. 

There was a man talking animatedly to Kuroo. Flailing his arms about and punctuating every other sentence with a high five. He had a mess of black and white hair gelled up into spikes. He was the one behind the owl noises. There were some other guys there too, a tall one with pretty brown hair and a shorter one with darker close cropped hair and a stern expression. 

Four people was a lot more than one but today he could call the building manager and get the spiders taken care of, then he could go to Shoyou's. Kenma took a deep breath and pushed the door open and walked out into the living room where everyone else was. The owl one saw him first, he stopped talking for a split second. Then he jumped out of his seat and shouted, "Bro!"

Kuroo turned around and waved at Kenma lazily, "Yo."

At this point everyone's attention was on Kenma. The one with the stern face smiled a little and the pretty one said, "Well good morning, Cute Little Neighbor-chan!" The stern faced one said something about how nicknames were supposed to be short. 

Kenma sat down at the end of the couch. He tried to put a little distance between himself and the owl looking one, who looked to be vibrating in his seat. As Kenma sat down Kuroo got up, asking him if he wanted coffee. Honestly, he didn't even like coffee, but caffeine would be welcomed in any form right now. Even injected directly into his veins. No. Especially injected directly into his veins. It seemed the man vibrating his way closer to him took his caffeine that way too. 

"Kuroo says there are spiders in your apartment," the vibrating owl said a bit louder than Kenma was comfortable with. Kenma nodded a little. "Did you know owls eat spiders?"

"Bokuto, please don't eat the spiders out of his apartment," the stern one chided.

The pretty one, who had been on his phone until this point, spoke, "Awh, Sawamura no fun. Let him try and eat the spiders if he wants." 

The stern one, Sawamura apparently, glared at the pretty one, "Oikawa, I swear to fucking god if you let him eat one fucking spider I will shove my fist so far down your throat I'll be wearing your ugly ass as a glove."

So their names were Bokuto, Sawamura, and Oikawa. Kenma was glad he didn't even have to ask. 

Kuroo came back somehow holding five cups of coffee. He juggled them over handing one to Kenma and then to all of his friends. "Sorry I left you with these nerds," Kuroo then reintroduced them as Bokuto Koutarou, Sawamura Daichi, and Oikawa Tooru. Kuroo sat down between him and Bokuto. 

Kenma had heard Shoyou say the name 'Daichi' pretty often, but he didn't want to ask if it was the same person. Kenma sipped his coffee and grimaced, he looked up over the edge of his cup to see Kuroo smirk at him and whisper, "Cute." Kenma sunk down further into the couch and tried his best to hide his face inconspicuously. He tried to ignore the fact that his face was getting warmer. 

"Tetsu-chan, if you don't stop flirting with your cute neighbor I'm gonna puke!"

***

"I don't need you guys to kill the spiders."

Kuroo pouted, yes, pouted, "Kenma come on! I'm your knight. Your knight that needed to call in the squad to help him slay the dragon. Let me do it."

Kenma just blinked at him. Kuroo and his friends were armed with an odd assortment of brooms, fly swatters, and cans of insect repellent. They had bandannas tied around their faces and Oikawa even had a shower cap covering his hair. 

"Let me kill the spiders and they I will never bother you again."

"Deal."

"Hey! You agreed to that way to quickly!"

***

They went into Kenma's apartment like a SWAT team. Kenma stayed behind in the hall until they were all well into his living room. Then he went through the door and instantly had to pull his sweater up over his mouth and nose. There was a haze of insect repellent covering his apartment. Screaming came from his kitchen so he decided to see who was the unlucky victim of the demon spider and her many children.

It was him. He was the victim. 

Upon entering the kitchen he received a broom to the face which made him stumble backwards and trip, landing with his hand crunching down into a pile of live spiders. He practically shrieked. Kuroo drooped his broom and lifted Kenma up off the floor by his underarms, letting his feet dangle above the floor like a child. 

It was carnage. Kenma doubted they were efficiently killing the spiders. He also doubted his sanity for not just calling the building manager yesterday. 

Hell was empty and the devils were in his apartment. 

***

"Sorry about that," Kuroo sighed. "I'll call the manager for you now." Kuroo looked glum, like he thought his stupid 'plan' would work. He was nice enough for trying to help though. Kenma was finding it increasingly harder to hate Kuroo.

Kuroo called the building manager like he said he would. But of course nothing would be done about the massive amount of spiders in his apartment until Tuesday. Today being Sunday. Meaning he would have to kill Shoyou and stay at his place, or continue to stay with Kuroo. Both unfavorable options.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so. what do????


	3. cat daddy's primary source of gay income

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello. it's me. i was wondering if after all these years you'd like to read (about these gay fucking losers)
> 
> do you enjoy dialog? well you're in luck, because there's a lot of it.

Kuroo lounged lazily on the couch, watching Kenma. It was Thursday. The day after he called the building manager, the building manager called back. She told him that the exterminator she called was hung up and wouldn't be able to take care of Kenma's apartment until Friday afternoon or Saturday. So Kenma slowly moved into Kuroo's guest room for the time being. Everyday he would brave Kenma's apartment to get a few more of his things. 

In the past few days Kuroo got to know Kenma a lot. He was an author and was currently working on the manuscript for a new novella. So Kenma just hung out in Kuroo's apartment all day working on his computer. And because Kuroo worked night shifts he got the chance to talk to Kenma a lot. He learned that Kenma had also played volleyball in high school, a setter, but unlike himself he didn't continue playing in university. Kuroo wondered if they had met earlier if he would have continued playing.

Kenma had seemed to warm up to Kuroo more. He was still distant, but Kenma was just such a reserved person that Kuroo didn't take it personally. When Kuroo asked why he didn't just stay with one of his friends Kenma had told him about his only 'real friend' Hinata. Apparently they had been roommates in Kenma's last year of uni and he had enough of being with him for extended periods back then. He also said something about staying closer to home just in case.

Kuroo understood. Someone like Kenma probably didn't like leaving his house like this for so long. Hell, Kuroo probably wouldn't like it either. But that's probably the spider part. On the list of things Kuroo Would Really Rather Not Fucking Deal With™ spiders are right up there with annoying, tall Russians. So yeah, Kenma can stay in his apartment as long as he wants. A man can empathize.

"So," Kenma spoke. It had been a while since Kuroo had heard him talk. "I've been wondering, what do you do for a living?"

Ha, nice. "Oh, I'm a stripper."

"No fucking shit." Kenma didn't sound surprised in the least. "I assumed it would be something like that."

Kuroo pouted, the little bean was rubbing off on him already, how adorable, "Is it really that obvious?"

Kenma sighed and typed something, then he looked back up and frowned. "Kuroo. You come home at three o'clock in the morning and spend an hour straightening out crumpled banknotes."

"People can be so inconsiderate with how they handle my tips."

"You're constantly covered in glitter."

"That would be Oikawa."

"And remember the walls are thin, I can hear all your phone conversations." Kenma went back to working on whatever he had been doing before he initiated conversation. After a few moments Kuroo knew he had lost him. He had been enjoying talking to Kenma too. 

"So, um, what's your favorite color?" Kuroo asked, desperate to get Kenma to talk to him about literally anything at this point. _God, he's so gay._

Kuroo caught Kenma glancing up quickly. He stayed quiet for another moment, "I don't think I have one. Red looks nice though, I suppose." That answer was so like him.

Kenma's phone buzzed next to him, and he didn't check it. Weird. "Well, mine's black."

"Shocking."

"Hey, that's rude!" 

"What's your stripper name? Is it Cat Daddy or something stupid like that?"

Kuroo gasped, "Who told you?"

Kenma snorted. It was adorable. _Kuroo is gay._ "You're so predictable." _And gay._ "Anyway I'm googling you."

"You really don't have to. Anything you want to know just ask." Googling him wasn't the best idea in the world. He tried not to do it. 

"What do you have to hide, Kuroo? Oh my god there are fan sites."

"Jesus, no."

"Jesus, yes." Kenma actually looked excited to be digging up shit on him. Ouch. "Look, look there's a tumblr dedicated to your eyebrows!" Kenma scooted over and tilted his laptop at Kuroo. Kuroo took his chance to get slightly closer to Kenma. _Gay._ There was, in fact, a blog dedicated to close up pictures of his eyebrows. "Where do you work that you have enough fans to make blogs about your eyebrows?"

"Honestly, I have no clue. I didn't think it was this weird until now. I mean, who are these- wait, don't click on that one, that's Oikawa's blog. You don't wanna see that nasty shit, Kitten." Kuroo thought it was cute how Kenma scrunched up his nose a little at the nickname. But knew it was a good sign he didn't point it out. "Speaking of kittens. I should get a cat. Akaashi has a cat. I think I have a picture of her." 

Kuroo was scrolling through his camera roll looking for the picture of Akaashi's cat when Kenma asked, "Who's Akaashi?"

"Ah, he's Bokuto's twink. Those two are practically married. I guess you could say the cat belongs to both of them, but Akaashi's the cat mommy. Bokuto would probably kill it on accident. Akaashi's the responsible one." Kuroo found the picture of the cat and showed Kenma. "Her name is Vollyball." Kuroo paused. "Bokuto named her."

"Nice."

Kuroo liked talking to Kenma like this. Kenma seemed to like it when Kuroo was the one doing the talking too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> does my main man keiji make a grand appearance or nah?


	4. neko atsume and chill

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alternate title "there are like twenty fucking cats in my yard right now that shit's impressive"
> 
> sorry for taking so long, here's a extra special chapter to make up for it ;)

Kenma was faced with an intimidatingly beautiful man. And Bokuto. And a cat. The cat was pretty too, orange and white with strange blue eyes. The cat reminded him of a volleyball, for some odd reason, the beautiful man reminded him of a setter, again he didn't know why exactly. And Bokuto was, well, Bokuto. These days everything was making him think of volleyball. He almost missed it, key word almost. Kuroo finally introduced the beautiful man as the Akaashi he was talking about the other day. _Bokuto's twink._ Kuroo was right, he is a twink. Kenma knew he was one to talk though.

Kenma didn't know how Kuroo worked nights and still managed to be a awake and have people in his apartment by the time Kenma woke up. The man never slept. 

They talked about volleyball, and Volleyball. Now he knew why the cat reminded him of a volleyball. Bokuto had pulled up a picture of the standard volleyballs they had used in high school on his phone and held it next to Volleyball. The cat named Volleyball looked like a volleyball. It was fat, and round, and fluffy too. Apparently it was Bokuto's baby, but the cat seemed to favor Akaashi. Kenma didn't blame her. Akaashi was likable, he wasn't loud, or obnoxious, he understood the concept of personal space. He was the exact opposite of Bokuto. But according to Kuroo they were 'practically married.' They played volleyball together in high school and university. _It all comes back to volleyball._ They lived together, worked together. Did everything together. Bokuto did look noticeably calmer with Akaashi sitting next to him then when Kenma saw him last.

***

Once Bokuto and Akaashi, and Volleyball, had left Kenma escaped to his phone. He hadn't been able to check on his cats in nearly an hour. _Goddammit Tubbs ate all the fucking Frisky Bits again, that boner-biting fuckface._ Unfortunately Kuroo was attracted to the soundtrack, even though his volume was down pretty far, and asked him what he was doing. 

"Checking on my cats," Kenma responded nonchalantly.

"Cats?"

Kenma gave an exaggerated sigh, "I'm playing Neko Atsume."

Kuroo hovered over Kenma, looking at his phone upside down. His atrocious bed head nearly stabbed Kenma's eyes out. "Hey, that's kinda cute," Kuroo said slouching down onto the couch very close to Kenma. Very close. Key word _very._

Kenma tried to ignore the fact that their thighs were completely touching and the fact that all he could think about doing was literally fucking sitting on Kuroo's lap holy shit. Kenma unsuccessfully silenced his internal screaming, because _hot damn,_ and said "Kinda cute? There are like twenty fucking cats in my yard right now, that shit's impressive."

Kuroo just cocked his head to the side in response.

Kenma held out his hand and said, "Phone." It took Kuroo a while to pull his phone out of the pocket of his impossibly tight jeans. He had seen Kuroo put in the password a thousand times, it was 1016. As soon as he had it open he downloaded Neko Atsume. Kuroo told him his password for that too. How the poor sap didn't get his identity stolen was a mystery to Kenma. Kuroo was too trusting for his own good.

Kuroo quickly got through the tutorial and Kenma gave him kitty pro-tips. Kuroo's starter yard was puny in comparison to Kenma's. Kenma had bought out the whole store, gotten all the yard designs, and gotten pictures and gifts from all the cats. He was a Neko Atsume pro and rubbed it in Kuroo's face as much as he could. 

Before Kenma could react Kuroo swiped his phone out of his hands and threatened to delete the app, making him start from scratch. "You wouldn't dare!" Kenma shouted, tackling Kuroo. Kuroo laughed and held the phone as far from Kenma as he could. Kenma pinned the larger man to the couch with all his weight and tried to pry his phone away. 

After a minute or two of struggle Kuroo said, "Alright, alright. I give." Kuroo placed the phone on his chest, which was currently like an inch and a half away from Kenma's. Kenma's face flared at the sudden realization of just how fucking close he was to Kuroo right now. Just about every inch of his body was in contact with Kuroo. He tried to sit up and move away, but one of Kuroo's arms had snaked it's way around his waist holding him firmly in place. "Where'ya goin, Kitten?" Kuroo asked with a shit-eating grin. It looked like the fucking Cheshire Cat was trying to seduce him. And it was working. Fuck.

Kenma hates to admit that he blacked out for a split second, but oh my God Kuroo Tetsurou his fuckboy neighbor was kissing him. And oh my God he was kissing back. And _oh my fucking God_ Kuroo was so good at it, it was criminal. Kenma pulled away for a second to readjust himself on top of Kuroo, knees on either side of his torso. They quickly continued jamming their tongues down each other's throats. The past week's worth of sexual tension was coming out right here, right now on Kuroo's couch at ten thirty in the morning. Kuroo's fire hands slid under his shirt and started siding across his chest. Kenma knew that he could feel his heart hammering against his rib cage, but he didn't care. All he cared about was Kuroo's teeth on his neck and the bruises he knew would be left behind by them. 

Kenma tried to figure out how he got here. Not too long ago he didn't give a shit about his stupid hot neighbor. But then there was a spider in his bathroom and now here he is, totally about to fuck his stupid hot neighbor. 

***

Kuroo was hot. Really hot. Way too hot. But Kenma knew if he kicked the blankets off he would be too cold. He wriggled away from Kuroo and out of bed. Somewhere in the apartment that _one fucking song from High School Musical_ was playing. Kuroo needed a new ringtone. 

Kenma looked around the room for any of his clothes. But no. God wants him to suffer. All of their clothes are strewn about the apartment in a trail leading from the couch to Kuroo's bedroom. Too lazy to go on a naked scavenger hunt, he just pulled open a random drawer in Kuroo's dresser and found a shirt. It was black, and faded, and soft with "Nekoma VBC" printed on it. Kenma threw it on. The shirt was obviously far too big. It fell to one side exposing most of one shoulder and all the new hickeys, the sleeves came almost to his elbows, and the hem fell just past his ass. 

Kenma ventured out to the living room to find Kuroo's phone. Which wasn't too hard, he just followed "getchagetchagetcha head in the game" until he found it. The caller ID was labeled "Building Mngr." Kenma quickly stumbled back to the bedroom. He smacked Kuroo in the face with a pillow and said, "Hey, the Building Manager is calling you. Wake the fuck up."

Kuroo just groaned.

Kenma jabbed him in the ribs, "Wake the fuck up before it stops ringing, you know she never calls back."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kuroo's phone password is kenma's birthday because as soon as he got kenma to tell him when his birthday was he made it his pass so he wouldn't forget. he also makes an effort not to use the finger print thing and actually type in the pass to make sure he would remember. kenma, bless his little heart, has not caught on. and his ringtone is that one song from HSM because when he was in high school he has a huge gay crush on troy bolton and refuses to let it go. his head's in the game but his heart's in the song. 
> 
> side note: i'm sorry mom.


	5. squat thrusts in the cucumber patch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you were expecting a quality chapter so soon after the last one, well then you're in for a treat my friend

_THREE AND A HALF HOURS POST FUCK_

Kenma's phone rang suddenly not only startling him but ruining his live show on _Love Live!_. His poor waifus. It was an unknown number but he picked it up anyway. You better believe whoever was on the other end of that line would experience the full rage of a man who just had their full combo ripped from their grasp while playing a B-Side on Expert. Oh boy, would blood be shed on this day. He answered the phone with the most angry "Hello" in history. What Kenma was not expecting was a _squawk_ in response. It was Bokuto. It had to be Bokuto. Kenma didn't say anything. He only waited for the fucking owl to justify his call.

"So! A little bird told me you and my bro did the deed? Some aggressive cuddling? Assault with a friendly weapon? You got your butter churned? Your castle stormed? Did the Devil's dance? Did squat thrusts in the cucumber patch? The nasty? Frickle-frackle? Went heels to Jesus? Glazed the dough-nut? The Hanky-panky? Hot beef injection? Got your bones jumped? Played Dungeons and Dragons? Listened to some Smashing Pumpkins? Got take out from Taco Bell?"

"Bokuto, some of those don't even make sense."

"Rummage in the root cellar? Put the bread in the oven? Deliver the package? Get your field plowed?" The line went silent for a moment. "Did you fuck?"

"HOW DID YOU GET MY NUMBER?" Kenma shouted and hung up as violently as possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so, so sorry. Please, lets all pretend this didn't even happen.


	6. u gotta ease into the kinky shit just like u ease into the ass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgive me father for I have sinned.

_THREE MINUTES POST FUCK_

**K:** bro

**B:** bro

**K:** BRO

**B:** BRO

**K:** bRO

**B:** BrO

**K:** guess who just loaded the clown into the cannon

**B:** did u go 2 that hot yoga class????

**K:** yes

**K:** wait what

**B:** did u go crab fishing in the dead sea

**K:** haha hella

**B:** shackle the canoe 

**K:** 4 legged fox-trot

**B:** go 2 meat fest 

**K:** disappoint the wife 

**B:** took a trip to pound town 

**K:** fed the kitty

**B:** slime the banana 

**K:** lick the envelope

**B:** test the suspension 

**K:** play hide the hot dog

**B:** did you tell him about ur thing?

**K:** ofc not man u gotta ease into the kinky shit

**B:** just like u eased into that ass 

**K:** bro

**B:** but really bro its not that kinky

**K:** it's pretty weird man

**B:** wanting to be called daddy while opening the gates of mordor is completely respectable

**K:** bro

**B:** bro

**K:** u understand me bro

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might get on to actually writing the ol' lust and thrust if I get the time, but for now this will do right?


	7. shoulder deep into a bucket full of screws

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been 84 years

Kuroo hangs up the phone. Kenma had stood by for the past few minutes trying to read the conversation going on between his new fuckbuddy, or so he hoped, and the building manager. He got nothing, so he waited for Kuroo to just spit it out. "What was that about?"

"She says we're on our own for now."

Kenma groaned, "Really? She cant even get an exterminator here? That's literally her one job, managing the building." Kenma flopped down on the bed next to Kuroo, who slung an arm around Kenma's waist and shoved his face into his neck. 

"C'mon, kitten, it's not so bad," Kuroo started, his voice muffled by Kenma's shoulder. "At least this means you get to hang around here a little longer." Kuroo was right. It's easier to fuck someone when they're standing right in front of you. Kuroo untangled himself from Kenma and propped himself up on one arm, "By the way, I like your shirt." 

Kenma's face flared up, "Maybe you should put some clothes on, too." Kenma looked down to where the sheets had been abandoned at the foot of the bed. Leaving nothing to hide Kuroo Tetsurou in all of his smug fuckboy glory. This guy is a popular stripper _for a reason, Jesus Christ._ Kenma got up to leave the room, but was stopped by Kuroo's voice half way out.

"You're right, can you toss me my shorts?"

Kenma bent down to retrieve Kuroo's modesty, and instantly regretted it when he physically felt the full weight of hungry eyes on his exposed ass. Kenma yet again felt himself being looked at like prey, remembering the first time they properly met. Kenma paused before giving Kuroo his shorts, though he doubts he actually wanted them in the first place, "Have you always looked at me with the 'Bedroom Eyes'?" 

Without hesitation he nods, "Yes. Definitely. Absolutely." 

Kenma flung the shorts at Kuroo, who caught them with his face, "Then why didn't you save us both a shitload of time and just fucked me my first night here?"

"I'm sorry, but you didn't really give off the 'please fuck me' vibe," Kuroo protested.

Kenma crossed his arms over his chest, "Well there's never any harm in asking."

"Ah yes, asking. 'Hi, neighbor, lovely day we're having. Would you mind if I put my dick in your ass?'"

Kenma rolled his eyes so hard he almost phased into another state of being, "As if that's all you did."

"How could I forget those tasty thighs?"

"Besides, I hate to break it to you, but you're the sexiest person I've ever seen. Sex appeal is literally oozing out of every single one of your orifices. Any right minded gay man would have jumped at the chance to jump your bones."

"You can jump all two-oh-seven, baby," Kuroo winked. 

Kenma scrunched up his nose, "There are only two hundred and six bones in the human body."

"I know."

"Ick." Kenma later denies that he ever said the word 'ick'. "I'm gonna go play _Love Live_ ," Kenma mumbles before leaving the room. 

***

The buff, horrifying, and pretty hot guy sitting in Kuroo's living room wasn't just chewing gum. He was making that gum his bitch. Oh, and Oikawa was there too. Why they we're there, Kenma didn't know. He wasn't about to ask either. The two were so engrossed with their own conversation that they hardly noticed he was even there. It was when they started making out that Kenma got slightly uncomfortable. Knowing Oikawa even a little bit, he assumed they we're like this in public too. Luckily, Kuroo came in only moments later, setting down coffee in front of the three of them. 

Kuroo already memorized how Kenma took his coffee, loaded with cream and sugar. Kenma peeked over the top of his mug to see Oikawa blow a bubble, though he didn't remember him having any gum in the first place. 

"I know how to deal with your little spider problem, Ken-chan!" Oikawa announced. He then stage whispered to Kuroo, "Tetsu he did the schrunchy-face, what did I do?"

"That's the 'ick' face," Kuroo responded.

Oikawa flailed around a little, "There is is again!" Mr. Could-Probably-Crush-Your-Skull-With-One-Finger smacked him in the back of the head. Oikawa cleared his throat, "Anyway, spiders. Iwa-chan," he stuck out his arms in a wide gesture to the huge hunk of man, "can take care of everything." 

"Iwaizumi Hajime," Mr. Biceps said.

Kenma introduced himself with a curt nod. Iwaizumi and Oikawa just seemed right for each other for some reason. While Oikawa was Fifty Shades of What The Fuck, Iwaizumi was an immovable rock who probably had more structure in one calf than Kenma has in his life. They look like one of those power couples that eat normal couples for breakfast. Kenma hoped to God that Iwaizumi was a stripper as well because hot damn he would like to see that. _Down, boy._

"So," Oikawa drug out the word for a few more syllables than necessary. "Now that pleasantries are aside, Iwa-chan," He looked to Iwaizumi who looked... _done_ is the only word that could describe the expression. 

Iwaizumi shifted his weight and then held up a hand before he started counting off on his fingers, "I'll need a vacuum, sticky-traps, pesticides," he kept on listing items but Kenma had stopped paying attention. The only thing on his mind was how much this stuff would cost and the hassle he would have to go through to get it.

Kenma was jerked from his reverie when Kuroo spoke up from his seat next to Kenma, very close to Kenma that is, "We should all go out and get that stuff. I mean, Iwaizumi is probably the only one who knows what half that shit is." It's like the fucker read his mind. And thank the good lord he did.

Kenma sighed. "Let me go change first then," he mumbled, unwedging himself from between Kuroo and the armrest. He was still wearing Kuroo's shirt, but fortunately he had put on pants a little while before Oikawa and company had arrived. 

Kenma looked out the window in the guest room, it looked kind of sunny, but windy. He wasn't sure how cold it was, and he didn't want to end up being screwed over by Mother Nature again. He threw on black jeans, old and worn because he hates shopping for jeans, and a sweater with a cat on it that pretty much summarized Kenma's life.

***

Kuroo pushed Kenma in the shopping cart back and forth through the isles while Oikawa and Iwaizumi were off getting the things they needed. They were at one of those big home supply stores that always seemed to smell like aluminium and old dirt. 

They turned into a long isle that was completely void of people and Kuroo started pushing the cart faster and faster. They hit a crack in the floor that jostled the cart and caused Kuroo to stumble, but he popped up laughing harder than he was before and tried to push even faster. Kuroo made a very sharp turn into the next isle and in a flash of orange they almost ran someone down. 

"Oi, watch where you're going!"

Kuroo was already apologizing profusely to whoever yelled at them, but Kenma was busy looking for orange. He found it when a little girl with bright orange pigtails rounded the back of the cart behind Kenma giggling madly followed by someone else with orange hair trying to catch her. 

When they finally caught the girl they hoisted her up and looked at Kenma, "Long time no see!" Of course it was Hinata. It's always Hinata. 

That must mean the one Kuroo was arguing with is, yep, Kageyama himself.

"Hello, Shoyou," Kenma greeted dryly. 

Shoyou looked over to Kuroo and Kageyama, ignoring the struggling ball of orange in his arms, "Is that,"

Kenma interrupted him, "A long story? Yeah." Kenma awkwardly clambered out of the shopping cart. He cleared his throat loudly and Kuroo looked over to him, "Shoyou, this is my neighbor Kuroo."

"Ouch, neighbor zoned," Kuroo whispered, to which Kenma elbowed him in the ribs.

"Kuroo," he continued, "this is my friend Shoyou." Kenma pointed to Kageyama, "That's his boyfriend Kageyama. And that," he jerked his head in the direction of where baby orange was shoulder deep into a bucket full of screws, "is Shoyou's sister, Natsu." 

Natsu looked up at the mention of her name and shouted, "You're all really gay!" Which resulted in some head turns and dirty looks from Linda the PTA Mom™. 

Kuroo snorted, "Hella." His phone started to vibrate in a pattern that resembled _that one fucking song from High School Musical, literally Kuroo?_ , "Oikawa says he needs our money."

"Love to stay and chat but we should be going," Kenma gestured behind him with both thumbs before swiftly turning around and walking away. Great, now he has to move to Australia and change his name to Clarence. Fucking swell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kenma's sweater:   
> Kozume Kenma is a little shit and I love him to death.


	8. this is why we cant have nice things bro

Iwaizumi was to come back in a few days to finish de-spidering Kenma's apartment. Kuroo and Kenma were making the most of their dwindling time together. 'Making the most' meaning they were almost constantly fucking. Like a lot. It couldn't possibly be healthy. Even though when Kenma went back to living in his own apartment he would only be next door, they would probably drift apart. It was their close proximity that lead to their developing relationship, if you could even call it that. Once Kenma was back in his own environment he would retreat back into himself. Sure the sex was good _more than good_ , but, like always, soon he would get bored and move on. The same thing happened back in uni when he and Shoyou fooled around. Did Kenma like Kuroo? He was nice enough company, but spending so much time with someone who spent so much time with other people was draining. That's why Kenma didn't think they would work as anything more than neighbors in the long term. Take sex out of the equation and there was nothing more to make Kenma stay, and he was bound to get bored of that eventually.

All of this didn't stop the pang of guilt and something else from making his chest tight. Because this time the gazelle was luring the lion into his trap, eating whatever he can, and leaving the poor lions bones out to bake in the sun. It was the first time Kenma ever thought he was probably taking advantage of someone. He didn't like to think of himself as selfish, though he knew he was. But there was still a little optimistic voice screaming from the back of his mind telling him to stick around as long as he's wanted. 

And an even louder voice telling him that Kuroo would get bored of him long before Kenma could, and the lion would find itself back at the top of the food chain. 

"Are you hungry?" Kuroo asked from the kitchen. He didn't really have to project his voice at all. With the apartment as quiet as it was they could speak to each other from across the place at normal conversational volume.

"No, not really."

He poked his head out of the kitchen to look at Kenma. Kenma looked back down to his laptop, avoiding the way Kuroo was looking at him. Before he knew it, Kenma felt weight settle on the back of the couch near his shoulder. Kuroo leaned down and ghosted his lips over Kenma's neck under his ear, barely kissing him. "C'mon, kitten, you gotta eat something. You didn't have breakfast or anything, remember?"

Kenma tilted his head into Kuroo's almost instinctively, "Sure, dad, anything else you want me to do for you?"

Kuroo made a choking noise and the weight next to Kenma was suddenly stumbling backwards away from him.

Kenma set his laptop aside and turned to look at Kuroo over the back of the couch. Kuroo's face was quickly approaching the color of Elmo. Realization dawned on him. "What is it, _Daddy_ , cat got your tongue?"

Kuroo just stood there looking like Kenma just sucked his dick and then stole his TV. After a moment he mumbled something Kenma couldn't quite hear. 

"What was that, _Daddy?_ "

Kuroo flinched, "I said, 'Please let me fuck you.'"

Kenma laughed and rolled his eyes, "Really though, Kuro, a daddy kink? You're so lame. I wouldn't call you vanilla, but you've been so tame this whole time."

Kuroo's eyebrows shot up, "Please don't make me ask again, Kenma."

"I mean really? You're totally getting hard off of this. I expected more from someone like you." Kenma wasn't a tease, but who the hell are we kidding he is such a fucking tease. Put him in a situation where he's in control for once and he will _fuck you up._

Kuroo took a large step closer, nearly closing the gap between them completely. " _Kenma, I swear to God,_ " 

Kenma pushed himself up on the back of the couch, leaning forward to grab Kuroo's face with one hand, the other keeping himself steady. He leaned in even further to Kuroo's face, their noses touching and their lips grazing each other as Kenma whispered, "What are you gonna do, Tetsurou, punish me?" 

And that's all it took. The tension snapped like a rubber band, giving Kenma whiplash. Kuroo slammed their lips together, pushing Kenma back down onto the couch and less than a second later Kuroo joined him, some how already shirtless.

"If this is punishment," Kenma gasped between fevered kisses as clothes were being discarded "then I should fuck with you more often."

"You can fuck with me as often as you want," Kuroo's mouth left his and found itself on his neck, replacing old fading marks with brand new ones. 

Kenma heard the clink of Kuroo's belt buckle and the slide of leather through his belt loops like a god damn beyblade. He tossed his belt onto the floor, but when it struck it's target it was accompanied by a much louder noise. 

They both looked up to the source of the noise at the same time. 

"Oh you don't have to stop just for me." 

Kenma whipped his head around to Kuroo, about to give him the 'do something!!!' look but he was already on the phone. "Akaashi, get your hyperactive owl the hell out of my apartment right now!" 

A little gasp came from across the room. 

"And teach him how to knock while you're at it." Kuroo hung up the phone and looked pointedly at Bokuto, who held up his hands defensively. "This is why we cant have nice things," he whispered. 

Bokuto whispered back in response,"Bro."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha and you thought they wouldn't get cockblocked


	9. come over i miss you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> notorious quintuple texter oikawa tooru is almost never right

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> things are getting serious here guys. i have things more or less planned out all the way to the end

Kuroo could physically feel the sexual tension like a weight on his lap. Oh wait. No. That was Kenma, source of said sexual frustration, settled onto his lap playing some game on his DS. _When did they start doing that?_ Iwaizumi was in Kenma’s apartment now, finishing up with his magic de-spidering process. Meaning of course, Oikawa wasn't too far away. In fact, he was sprawled out in the love seat opposite the couch giving Kuroo the weirdest look. The eyes of a broken man made contact with Oikawa’s. _He knew._ You could _hear_ the sexual tension like static in the air. Honestly, it was a little distracting. 

Kenma jumped as Kuroo’s phone vibrated in his pocket. Kenma reached under himself and pulled Kuroo’s phone out of his front pocket, his hand _forcefully brushing against his dick holy fuck._ The little shit didn’t even notice. _Oh God, but what if he did it on purpose and he’s just acting?_ Kuroo had the sudden realization that he was in too deep with this boy. Kenma just handed Kuroo his phone and continued playing his game like nothing happened. 

**From: pretty boy bitch baby**  
_-ur in love w/ ur neighbor u weak weak man_

Kuroo looked up at Oikawa, who wore a smug expression. That stupid fuck. 

**To: pretty boy bitch baby**  
_-i am not. we’re just having lots and lots of sex. like a lot_

**From: pretty boy bitch baby**  
_-u never let me sleep her more then a nite and hes been here 4 like more then 2 weeks_

_-and you get all flustery when he talks_

_-u wouldnt come out for drinks last nite because u said u and kenma were gonna watch a movie_

_-u NEVER skip drinks w/ the squad!!!_

_Oh shit, was Oikawa right?_ Oikawa Tooru is never right.

**To: pretty boy bitch baby**  
_-he’s just a cool guy who’s willing to have the sex with me. we’re friends_

**From: pretty boy bitch baby**  
_-sure jan. even kou-chan thinks so and hes never even seen u 2 together_

_-hES SITTING ON UR LAP U BIG IDIOT_

Notorious quintuple texter Oikawa Tooru is almost never right. 

**To: pretty boy bitch baby**  
_-o shit youre right._

If Suga thinks is true then it must be. How could Kuroo have been so blind? He’s totally, unmistakably, stupidly in love with his adorably sadistic neighbor. 

Kenma sighed loudly and climbed off of Kuroo, “I’m going to go see how Hajime’s doing.”

***

The apartment was successfully de-spidered without the help of a professional exterminator. Which Kuroo had promised to give the building manager hell for. Kenma didn’t care about that though. He was glad to be able to go back to his normal routine. It’s only been a day, but it’s feels a little strange without Kuroo. _Get a hold of yourself, you’ve only known him for a few weeks._ Kenma still actively communicated with Kuroo through text. Very frequently actually. _Very frequently. (iF U KNOW WHAT I MEAN ;)))_

He sees Kuroo in the hall sometimes. They’ll exchange pleasantries just like normal neighbors. Before the Great Spider Incident Kenma would have ignored him and just walked past; the most Kuroo would get was a slight nod in acknowledgement. But now… now his heart races when he sees him. Chatting over text is one thing but when confronted by the real thing it feels like the butterflies in his stomach will eat him alive from the inside out. He feels safe when there is only text to get across whatever message he’s trying to portray. No body language. No facial expressions. No heart pounding so hard his ribs might shatter. He feels safe with distance between them. Even if it’s only a wall. 

After a few more half-awkward encounters in the hall Kenma avoids entering or leaving his apartment anytime Kuroo Tetsurou might be doing the same. He goes three more days without seeing him. 

He’s lying in bed when it happens. Not doing anything. He had hit a roadblock in his writing earlier that day and couldn’t do anything but just lay there to contemplate the hollow in his chest. It was late, no, very early. When his phone vibrates with a text it startles him. 

**From: Kuro**  
_-come over?  
-i miss you_

He didn’t want to see Kuroo. 

**To: Kuro**  
_-coming_

He didn’t want to see Kuroo. Seeing Kuroo would destroy him.

**From: Kuro**  
_-thank god_

He didn’t want to see Kuroo. Seeing Kuroo would destroy him. But there was nothing he needed more right now than to be completely, irreversibly destroyed. 

***

An hour later he hated himself for being awake to read that text. He hated himself for responding. He hated himself for coming. He hated himself for leaving without saying goodbye. He hated himself for going to Shoyou’s instead of his own apartment next door. He hated himself for being totally, unmistakably, stupidly in love with Kuroo Tetsurou.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i like to call this chapter "the beginning of the end" because, well, things are changing, friends. prepare your assholes for some more angst.


	10. amusement my ass part 1: spilling my guts all over your answering machine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> split this chapter into two parts for the sake of updating sooner (i promised some lovely nerds over on tumblr a new chapter would come soon) so this one's a bit shorter

_“Hey, um, I know you haven’t been responding to my texts for about a week now. So, I thought I’d call. Don’t know why I thought you’d pick up though. I know you hate talking on the phone, and me apparently.”_ nervous laughter _“I, uh, I miss you.”_ heavy sigh _“A lot. That’s pretty lame, but I do. Sorry about that. And sorry for whatever I did to make you disappear like that. Kinda wish I knew what that was.”_ long pause _“But, um, Bo managed to get a bunch of tickets to some amusement park. He didn’t really know about… whatever’s going on right now, so he, uh, got one for you. You don’t even have to see me if you don’t want to. You can hang out with Iwaizumi, or Akaashi, or Suga. You’d like Suga. We’re all going so…”_ long pause _“you don’t have to. But I wanna at least see you. That’s kinda selfish, I guess. But I’m spilling my guts all over your answering machine so, yeah. Bye, Kenma.”_

He didn’t realize how much he missed Kuroo’s voice. Kenma listened to the voicemail again. His voice sounded brittle and slightly hoarse. He wanted to get rid of anything that made Kuroo sound like that. That was the problem thought, he was what hurt Kuroo, him leaving that is. So getting rid of himself more wouldn't really help, would it? _I’m such an idiot._ Kenma cursed his tendency to run away when things got difficult. 

He misses you enough to leave a desperate voicemail. Kenma opened the messaging app. Guilt surged through him when he was confronted by over a dozen read, but not replied to texts from Kuroo.

**To: Kuro**   
_-kinda gonna need details if I’m gonna come along now won't I?_

Kenma waited until ‘Read 10:13pm’ showed up under his message and the indication that Kuroo was typing a response then he started typing again.

_-I don’t hate you at all, Tetsurou._

The three little dots went away for a second making Kenmas heart stop. But they came back soon. 

**From: Kuro**   
_-O right, i’m an idiot_  
-my place tomorrow morning @ 10?  
-if that’s okay ofc  
-because i can give you bo and kaashi’s address  
-or iwa’s (oikawa lives there too but who cares)   
-your pick 

Kenma quickly composed an answer before Kuroo could continue panicking via text.

**To: Kuro**   
_-your place is closer  
-see you tomorrow_

**From: Kuro**   
_-o, and its over night  
-pack a bathing suit_

Kenma responded with “k” indicating that the conversation was over. 

“Hey, Sho?”

He hummed in response. 

Kenma stood up from where he was lodged in the couch, “I think I’m gonna go home.”

Shoyou furrowed his eyebrows, surprised, “Oh, kay. Need a ride home? It’s pretty dark out.”

Kenma shook his head, “I think I need the exercise.” He grabbed a few of his things from around the room, leaving the rest behind. 

Shoyou laughed, “Who are you and what have you done with my best friend Kozume Kenma?” 

His phone buzzed in his hand. 

**From: Kuro**   
_-didn’t think you would want to come. Thanks_

***

The air was slightly brisk. Of course it was, he was wearing a t-shirt and shorts, it was a little breezy, and it was dark. _Fuck me._ Kenma read through the texts from Kuroo again as he walked. He really thought Kenma hated him. He was so absorbed in his head and in his phone he didn’t notice the person walking in the opposite direction. They bumped into each other sending Kenma’s phone skittering onto the pavement. 

“Ah, I’m so sorry.” The person bent down to grab his phone and popped back up. They radiated sunshine, had milky pale skin, fluffy silver hair, and a blinding smile. 

Kenma mumbled a ‘thank you’ and took his phone from Sunshine Boy. And just like that they went their separate ways.


	11. amusement my ass part 2: everyone knew what the fuck was up and it sure as hell wasn’t any of that ‘needing to breath’ bullshit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well that was quick

Kenma rushed out of his apartment at 10:24, shoving clothes into his bag with one hand and running fingers through his tangled, damp hair. Only to soon give up on his hair and quickly snatch up a hat to put over it. He had accidentally slept in. Kenma spent the entire night overanalyzing literally everything and running over every single possible scenario in his head for the events soon to take place. This meant he didn’t get to sleep until about three a.m, also meaning he heard Kuroo get home from work. 

He almost tripped over his own feet as he stumbled two feet to Kuroo’s apartment. He stalled before knocking, giving himself a second to breath. And a second to consider turning around, going back to his apartment, and never coming out again. _You idiot, that’s what got you into this situation in the first place._ He reached out a hand to knock. _You are what you eat,_ Kenma reminded himself, _and I only eat dick._ Now having successfully convinced himself he wasn’t an absolute pussy, he knocked. 

From inside he heard the following: _“Speak of the devil.”_  
“Fuck you.”  
“Actually, he fucked YOU.”  
One voice belonged to Kuroo, and the other he didn’t quite recognise. 

Kuroo opened the door, leaning on the frame. “And here I thought I was being stood up. Dependable as ever.” Kuroo looked as breathtaking as ever. Even if he had smudged mascara and glitter under his eyes. It fit into his bad boy, elegantly disheveled aesthetic. The big idiot slept in makeup again.

“Sorry, I overslept.” Kenma mumbled.

“It’s a good thing I anticipated this,” Kuroo smirked. “We don’t have to leave until ten thirty.”

“Dependable and predictable, huh?” 

Kenma followed Kuroo inside to the living room. He might not have recognized the voice he heard earlier, but it would have been impossible to forget the face. Daichi was there too but that was nothing new. 

Kuroo introduced the not-so-much-stranger, “Kenma, this is Daichi’s boyfriend, Sugawara Koushi.”

Kenma bowed his head a little, “It’s nice to finally meet you, Sugawara-san.”

Sugawara snorted and giggled, “You don’t have to be so formal. With how much Kuroo has told me about you it feels like I’ve known you for years. You can call me Suga, or Koushi is just fine too.”

Kenma glanced up to Kuroo’s face. He looked like he had been betrayed. 

“Well alrighty then,” Kuroo sputtered “we should probably get going.” Kuroo looked down at him, “Uh, ‘Kaashi, Bo, Iwa, and Shit-Head are all going together.” 

Kenma made a little gasp, “Poor Keiji.” 

***

Kenma rode shotgun next to Kuroo. After about an hour of pleasant conversation with Koushi he and Daichi ended up falling asleep. Leaving him practically alone with Kuroo. 

“Again Kenma, I’m sorry for whatever I did.”

“I’m not mad at you.”

Kuroo gave him a quick worried glance and turned back to the road. He started drumming his fingers against the steering wheel. “Yeah, but… could you tell me what I did? Just so I can make sure I don’t do it again.”

He turned his head and leaned against the window, “Kuro, you didn’t,” he felt Kuroo glance at him again. Kenma took a deep breath and started again, “You didn’t _do_ ,”

“What didn’t I do?” Kuroo sounded a bit distraught. 

“Anything wrong.”

“Then why did you?”

“It’s just me. I’ve always been a flight risk. Sometimes I disappear before I end up doing something I’ll regret. In this case I was more than a moment too late.” 

“Hm, regret.”

It was times like these Kenma wished he would have disappeared. But in this situation he couldn’t disappear physically, so he settles for the next best thing. Digging into the bag at his feet he pulls out his headphones. 

***

“So,” Bokuto claps his hands together to accentuate the word, “We only have one room, but it’s a biggie!”

Oikawa was already pushing past Bokuto to get a look at the ‘biggie’. “How could you _afford_ this?”

“I told you, I didn’t pay anything.” Bokuto plunks his and Akaashi’s bags on a table. 

The room was certainly a ‘biggie’. There we’re three beds, one king and two queens. Along with two bathrooms, a fireplace, and a patio. 

Oikawa face planted onto one of the queen beds and rolled over onto his side. Propping himself up on one elbow he cocked an eyebrow at Bokuto, “That’s some sketchy shit. I _cannot_ afford to be arrested again and you know that.”

“Again?” Daichi said, obviously having learned something new. “How many times have you been arrested before?”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“Unfortunately, thanks to him there are a lot of places we’re not welcome anymore.” Iwaizumi grumbled sitting down on the bed Oikawa was on. He leaned back onto Oikawa, probably trying to smother him. 

Akaashi spoke up, “Oikawa’s criminal record and Bokuto’s shady business deals aside, we should decide some sleeping arrangements now.”

“Always the sensible one, Keiji.”

Kenma observed all this quietly, not caring where he ended up. 

“Some of us are gonna end up on the floor,” Kuroo pointed out.

Bokuto sauntered over to the couch at the end of the long room, “Don’t fret, my bro, the couch pulls out.”

Oikawa made a high pitched noise before speaking again. He was currently pinned under Iwaizumi, “Who’s gonna get the big bed? I think Mom and Dad should get it, y’know being the residing adults.”

“Stop calling me your dad. Keep that shit between you and Iwaizumi.” Daichi said, crossing his arms. “Besides, Bokuto hooked this whole thing up. He and Akaashi should get it.”

And it was decided, Bokuto and Akaashi were in the king, Daichi and Suga in one queen, Oikawa and Iwaizumi in the other, and Kenma on the pull out couch.

“It’s cool, kid, I’m good on the floor.” Kuroo had said. He had been a little salty after Kenma’s slip up in the car. But Kenma believed that once they were doing something fun he would forget about it and everything would be fine. 

***

It was 2:50 by the time they got into the park. Right off the bat there were like, three huge roller coasters right near the front entrance. Almost instantly everyone was broken off in twos running off in different directions. 

“Let’s go on that,” Kenma pointed at a huge blue coaster not too far away.

Kuroo rubbed the back of his neck, “Ummmm, I’m not sure that’d be the-”

“C’mon, don’t be such a pussy. It’s just a ride. The death statistics on these kinds of things are pretty low.”

“No, I’m just not a big fan of…”

Kenma rolled his eyes and jerked his head in the direction of the ride. 

“Fine.”

The line ended up taking an hour. In which Kenma got tired of standing and some lady kept yelling at him for sitting on the railing, so Kuroo just ended up carrying him on his back. Kenma was right about Kuroo forgetting all about his slip up earlier.

***

They ended up meeting up with Oikawa and Iwaizumi a while later. Well, they ran into them and just decided to stay in the general area of each other. 

“So, what do you wanna ride next?” Kuroo asked.

Oikawa looked around. “That,” he pointed directly at Iwaizumi. Whom in response inhaled 32 ounces of cherry slushie into his unexpectant lungs. You could blame the color of his face on the fact that the oxygen in his body was replaced with mass amounts sugar and high fructose corn syrup. But everyone knew what the fuck was up and it sure as hell wasn’t any of that ‘needing to breath’ bullshit.

They _did_ end up riding a few _rides_ but after a little while it started to rain. Oikawa ever concerned with his hair decided it best to see one of those stupid stage shows, taking Iwaizumi with him. Leaving Kuroo and Kenma alone together yet again. 

“D’you wanna go with them, or maybe meet up with the others?” Kuroo asked. 

Kenma shook his head, “They won’t shut anything down unless they see lightning. Besides, a little water won’t kill us. The lines will probably be a lot shorter now, weed out the weak.” 

They went around the park in the rain. Kenma determined to ride every single ride in the whole fucking park. Kuroo determined to keep Kenma happy. It was starting to get dark, but the group didn’t plan to leave until around the time the park would close at eleven. 

***

Kenma stopped walking, he reached out and grabbed Kuroo’s wrist almost jerking him back. They were standing right outside a big coaster they road earlier that day. Kenma dropped his hand and stood there looking at his feet. 

“What’s up?” Kuroo asked, concerned. 

Kenma looked up at him through wet eyelashes. Kuroo saw his lips move but couldn’t make out what he was saying, his small voice was drowned out by the rain.

“I’m sorry I didn’t get that.”

Kenma repeated himself just as the rollercoaster came by in a woosh of screaming and mechanical clicking. 

Kuroo had to stop himself from laughing, “Again, couldn’t hear you. Sorry.”

Kenma rolled his eyes and almost shouted, “I said I think I’m in love with you!”

Kuroo’s heart stopped in his chest, “What?”

“I think I’m in love with you, you big idiot,” Kenma repeated again. 

“No, no I heard you, but…”

“I keep coming back to you. I, I keep coming back. I don’t _want_ to. But I do.” Kenma was starting to panic, his eyes were wide and his face had gone pale. 

"Then what _do_ you want, Kenma?" Kuroo sounded _angry._

" _You_! I’m in love with _you_ ,” he said. Tears had started rolling down his cheeks, hardly distinguishable from the rain.

All Kuroo could think to do was reach out and pull Kenma closer. He kissed him, slow and sweet. Nothing quite like anything they’ve done before. Kuroo pulled away. “Same,” he whispered. 

Kenma pushed himself away, “I spill my guts for you in the pouring rain four hours away from home and all you can say is ‘same’?”

Kuroo offered a sheepish grin, “It’s a lot more than I got from you answering machine.” 

Kenma tipped his head back, looking up at the black sky and letting the raindrops fall on his face. He started to laugh, “We’re really fucked up, aren’t we?”

“Yeah, I guess we are, kitten.”

He looked back down to Kuroo. He ran his fingers through wet hair, pushing it out of his face. “You know, I really missed you calling me that.”

“Well how ‘bout I never stop, kitten?” he pulled Kenma back into him, pressing soft kisses on his forehead and cheeks.

“I’d be okay with that. I’d also be okay with you not sleeping on the floor tonight.” Kenma sighed, “Point two seven a year.”

“What?”

“That’s how many people die at amusement parks. Point two seven a year.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "person 1 asks what person 2 wants to ride next and then person 2 accidentally points to person 3"  
> I have fulfilled my promise. 
> 
> By the way there will be a part three of this


	12. amusement my ass part 3: cargo shorts and ray bans in the streets but human emotions in the sheets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a valors vape. team mystic. (pokemon GO fuck yourself)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> perspective bounces around a bit so bare with me (trans akaashi is my life.)
> 
> so neko atsume updated... theres now a cardboard dino. when kuroo saw it he immediately called tsukki to tell him about this wonderful cat game that has a dinosaur toy in it. to kuroo's surprise tsukki already had the game since day one.

Kuroo woke to the sound of Oikawa and Iwaizumi quietly fucking on the other side of the room. They could have at least gone into the bathroom. Assholes. 

Kenma was curled into a little ball of pure fucking adorable boy pressed up against his side. He was just like a little kitten, he always slept as close to the warmest thing near him as possible. When he would fall asleep on the couch in Kuroo’s apartment with his laptop he usually ended up hugging it in the fetal position. 

Kuroo reached over Kenma to grab his phone, after being momentarily blinded by the screen brightness he read _4:20_. He snorted quietly and whispered “Four twenty blaze it” to himself. 

A soft moan was choked off, “Tetsu-chan?” and then a hopefully unrelated, “shit oh my god yes.”

“Just keep taking it like a champ, buddy,” Kuroo stage whispered. 

Oikawa made an offended noise followed by an obscene one,“You wish you were still taking _my_ dick like a champ.” He had to give the guy props, throwing shade while being fucked must be difficult. 

Iwaizumi ‘Savage’ Hajime pipes into the conversation, “Would you like me to give you two some space now or can we finish up here first?” 

“Fuck you guys, go to sleep Kuro they won't stop for shit.” Kenma reached out of his blanket nest to force Kuroo’s head back down onto the pillow.

***

Kuroo woke up before Kenma but after everyone else. He let Kenma sleep a little longer while he got dressed.

Oikawa sauntered in his general direction, stopping at his bed where his big ass bag was sitting, “Sooooo, Pudding Boy still asleep?” 

Kuroo nodded, knowing Oikawa was paying attention even though his back was partially turned. 

“What’s up with you guys? Things working out? Your thirst quenched yet? Give me all the good tea. Put a kettle on, bitch.” 

Kuroo pulled his number 14 Wildcats jersey on. For Troy. “You were the one who forced me to realize my heart thirst.”

“Well, yeah, but after his little disappearing act I thought you were both away from that possibility,” Oikawa started to rifle through his bag.

“Since when have I been one for casual fucks, Tooru?”

He clicked his tongue, “Good point, there are always strings attached when it comes to you. You’re just too nice. A dork. Everyone looks at you like some kind of sex god but you’re just a softie. I got kinda bored of it.” Oikawa’s bag rifling turned more frantic, “Where the fuck is my setting spray? I am _not_ going to a waterpark with a penetrable face.” 

“I’ve never seen you of all people complain about your face being penetrated.” Iwaizumi ‘Savage’ Hajime strikes again. “You put it in my bag after you ran out of room in yours. Remember?”

Oikawa feigns offence, “My own boyfriend treating me like a cheap whore. How could you, Iwa-chan?”

Iwaizumi throws the bottle of setting spray at Oikawa, who stumbles to catch it, “Baby, you’re not a cheap whore. You’re an expensive whore at best. My bank account serves as proof.” Iwaizumi was very right. Oikawa had a tendency to order expensive foreign makeup and clothes online. He also had a tendency to use Iwaizumi’s credit cards about thirty percent of the time. “Amature” makeup guru Oikawa Tooru was currently wearing a full face of makeup to a water park, right down to the winged eyeliner so sharp it could cut a bitch. His eyebrows were, as someone stuck in 2014 would describe, “on fleek.” 

“Why are you so dolled up for a water park anyway, Tooru?” Suga asked from the other side of the room. He was always listening. Always. 

Oikawa struck a pose, “Google Earth always takin pics.”

***

Kenma ended up sleeping for another half hour. After a short, free, breakfast at the hotel they went to the water park. A big outdoor one with a huge lazy river going the whole way around it. The thing Kenma hated most about waterparks was how much it cost to rent one of those lockers to put your shit in. The all got one big one to share and Kuroo and Daichi went halfsies on the cost. 

Kenma looked up from his phone and noticed the scars on Akaashi’s chest. He accidentally made eye contact, Akaashi shrugged. 

He jumped when Kuroo suddenly put a hand on his shoulder, “Aren’t you gonna put your phone in the locker, kitten?” 

Kenma shook his head, “Waterproof case. There's a lot of water type pokemon around here.”

Bokuto perked up, “You play?”

Kenma nodded, “What team?”

“Wildcats,” Kuroo whispered behind Kenma.

Bokuto answered, “Instinct.”

Oikawa made a startled gasp, “Valor!”

Kenma narrowed his eyes. How could he have been so blind? A Valor? “The only intelligent team. The rest of you are just a bunch of vapers,” he pointed at Oikawa, “and glue eaters,” he pointed at Bokuto. Kenma turned on his heel and started walking away from the group, “Kuro, I can't associate with a _Valor_.” 

“Wait, what’s going on? Where are you going?” Kuroo called after him.

“Gonna find the entrance to the lazy river. And it’s about pokemon and the fact that Tooru joined the worst team possible.”

Kuroo followed close after him, “That thing where you walk around and catch stuff? I didn’t think you’d be interested in that.”

“Why else would I leave my house?”

“I’ll come with, if you don’t mind,” Akaashi came and fell in step with the two of them. 

Kenma looked at Akaashi without turning to face him, “What team?”

Akaashi paused for a while before answering, “Mystic.”

Daichi called after the small group, “Hey, Suga wants to go with you guys. That cool?”

“Sure!” Kuroo yelled back. 

“I didn’t even know Valor’s vaping was a stereotype,” Suga said after he caught up with them. 

“You too?” Kuroo asked.

“Mystic,” Suga said holding up a peace sign. 

“All Valor’s vape,” Kenma stated, lost in his phone.

Suga leaned forward, looking past the line of people to Akaashi, “What’s it like being on a different team than Bokuto, Keiji?” 

“He always gets mad when I take the gym outside our apartment building. But I have a Vaporeron with one-thousand CP so it’s never very difficult to battle whoever manages to get a hold of it.” OP Akaashi indeed. “Kou’s only level 7. He tries his best though. He just has a lot of Weedles. He doesn't transfer anything because he has an emotional bond with everything he catches, he gives them people names like Veronica and Phil.” Then after a quiet moment he says softly, “I play to win.” 

Kenma quickly caught another Horsea, “I evolved a Magikarp.” Before he almost walked into a pole, Kuroo pulled him around to his other side where he probably wouldn't run into anything. 

“How in the fuck did you do that?”

“I also play to win.”

***

Kenma managed to drag Kuroo under every single water fountain the whole way around the lazy river. Which is impressive for someone half his size. Kenma laughed at him when he noticed his wet hair held the same shape as it did dry. He said it was like one solid mass and that it was probably sentient and controlled the rest of Kuroo’s body. 

Akaashi and Suga stayed long after Kuroo and Kenma decided to look for something a little more exciting to do. The two of them floated around the lazy river again and again talking shit like a pair PTA moms, Kuroo wouldn’t be surprised if Helen and Linda stayed there all day. 

Kuroo held onto Kenma’s hand as he let the all mighty Pokemon GO lead them to a pokestop. 

“It’s right up here, Ku-”

“BRO! Oh my God, bro, you’re back! I missed you so much, bro.” Of course the others just so happened to be a the same pokestop. Lo and behold Bokuto, Oikawa, Iwaizumi, and Daichi were sat at a little table near the wave pool. _Why was a wave pool deemed worthy to be a pokestop anyway?_

Kenma looked up from his phone and made the most disgusted face at Oikawa, “It’s the Valor fucker.”

Oikawa made a high pitch whine, “Ken-chan, what will it take for you to stop hating me?”

“Pokemon GO fuck yourself.”

He did that terrible whine again that this time resulted in Iwaizumi smacking him… with love. 

“Kitten, be nice” Kuroo reprimanded softly. 

Kenma rolled his eyes the whole way up into his skull, “Fine,” he had to think of an appropriate punishment for being Valor scum that would also help Kenma crush him later on. “Transfer your six highest CP pokemon.”

“Out of the question.” 

“I will literally set your car on fire. I’ve gotten away with arson once, don’t think I won’t do it again.” 

Oikawa crossed his arms and pouted, “Fine. But if I'm going down I’m taking someone with me. Kou-chan, transfer a Weedle.”

Bokuto’s metaphorical feathers ruffled, “Which one?”

“Jesus, I don’t know, just any one.”

“Not Lorane!” 

*** 

The six of them ended up going on a few multi-person waterslides together before they broke apart again. Daichi and Bokuto went to find their respective PTA wives, Kuroo and Kenma to find some food, and Oikawa was probably in a bathroom somewhere getting his face penetrated. No amount of setting spray could keep Oikawa Tooru’s face from being penetrated. 

“What are we?” Kuroo asked. 

Kenma was in the middle of eating some of those weird flash frozen ice cream beads. _Dippin Dots!_ What a pretentious name. To say he was caught off guard by Kuroo’s question would probably have been an understatement. He’d expected Kuroo to need some kind of reassurance or validation or some shit at some point, but it was a bit soon to Kenma’s standards. “Well, really gay for one. You’re kind of an asshole, but like, a soft asshole. Like an asshole who’d have a pale aesthetic blog. But still wears socks and nike sandals. A popped collar douche, one might call you. Cargo shorts and ray bans in the streets but human emotions in the sheets. I’d say I’m more of like a-”

Kuroo cut him off with a half indignant half genuinely amused snort, “Nice try, but I know you know what I mean.” 

“Well what do you think?”

“I think I wanna know what you think.”

“ _I like you,_ ” Kenma said a bit sharper than he might have intended. He flicked his eyes in the direction of where his phone vibrated on the table next to him. _Another fucking Zubat._ And then back to Kuroo’s face. He never really liked making eye contact with people for prolonged periods, but he also didn’t want to bullshit Kuroo. Besides, it helped if the person he was looking at had nice eyes. “But I’m just not made out to be someone's _boyfriend._ I’m just not that kind of person.” If he wanted a serious conversation then a serious conversation he would get. 

Kuroo’s entire face fell. Apparently the eye contact was a bit too serious because he looked away, down at his lap with a muttered _Oh._

“But,” Kenma started. Kuroo looked back up at him through his eyelashes, looking like the poster child of innocence, or just as innocent as a vaguely menacing six foot tall man could look. And just like that all of his confidence drained away. “But,” he started again. A little less sure of himself this time. “That doesn't mean I don’t want to be that kind of person. For you.” 

“You know, the first time I saw you after you moved in a few years back was because I accidently slept in. Instead of going to the gym in the morning that day I waited until later that afternoon. When I got back I saw the most gorgeous person I had ever seen going into the apartment right next to mine. So after that day I completely changed my schedule and went to the gym in the afternoons so I might get the chance to see you. Sure it only worked about twenty percent of the time, but it was worth it.” Somewhere during his speech their hands managed to find each other under the table. 

Kenma looked away, trying to keep Kuroo from seeing the embarrassing color of his face. “You’re such a sap.”

“Unfortunately, you didn’t notice I even existed until two years ago, and didn’t even start a conversation with me yourself until you needed me to save you from a spider.”

“Hey, I never asked you to try and kill the spiders, you brought that upon yourself.” 

“And I’m glad I did.” Kuroo said giving him a chaste kiss. 

Kenma pulled away, “Is this what Tooru meant when he said there are always strings attached with you?”

Kuroo let out a long, exasperated sigh, “That’s a long story, kitten.”

Kenma chuckled, “Give me a tl;dr.”

“Okay, well, I meet Oikawa in university. We became friends, with benefits that is, and I got attached. He was only looking for something casual, so we stopped. Soon after we became actual friends. That’s it.”

“If it’s any consolation, I probably won't get bored of you.”

“Thanks, kitten.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was accidentally twice as long as all the other chapters. sorry. might be an epilogue if i hate myself enough,,, might not. if y'all want one ask??? other wise, it's over. go home. 
> 
> i had a lot of fun writing this and getting to talk to some new people because of it. your comments inspired me to continue this story and some of them even directly inspired specific parts of the story itself and i appreciate every one of them. 
> 
> thank

**Author's Note:**

> sin with me on the tumble: [softboymcelroy](http://softboymcelroy.tumblr.com//)


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